I woke up on Tuesday and felt like cleaning. This is usually a sign that something is up, and while cleaning my basement I identified it and have been reflecting on it ever since.
I have been moving too fast, trying to do too much and in the process began to feel burned out, resentful and bored with myself.
On a deeper and more personal level I also knew I needed some time to grieve. Until now I haven’t been ready to publicly talk about it, but six days before I left for Paris my dear friend Susan passed away after a very courageous fight with leukemia. Susan was a bright light in so many lives, a very talented photographer and too young to be taken from us.
In the days before I left for Paris I had a million things to do so I really didn’t have time to think about it. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready. Every once in awhile, usually while driving, it would hit me and I would shed a few tears, put myself back together and do what was needed.
Paris was one of Susan’s favorite cities and so I went with the intention to honor her spirit and celebrate our friendship. I lit a candle for her in Notre Dame which felt so right.
Her memorial took place while I was away and I was very sorry I missed it. I think I could have used the closure and the connection with mutual friends. I am trying to get a few us together to do our own little memorial for her.
In the meantime, I gave myself the time this week to let the reality of all this sink in and feel what I needed to feel. As a result, I am feeling more grounded and centered and ready to do the “slow” work of hand-coloring some 16 x 20 prints and reflect on how grateful I am for having had Susan in my life for the last 10 years.
©2009 Dianne Poinski